Vocabulary Abuse

Diminutive Scarlet Equestrian Headcover.

Once (or possibly twice) upon a time, a girl known as Diminutive Scarlet Equestrian headcover (everyone called her “Hood”) was ambulating through the tree – strewn area. She was carrying a basket of “grandma’s Old-Fashioned Olive Dollops In Escargot Sauce” (GOODIES) that she planned to gift her father’s mother with. She instantly felt the horror of ending her previous thought with a preposition, and mentally deducted twenty-five cents from her purse to put in her “grammar jar”. This was one way she strove to continuously improve her effectiveness as a little girl. (The split infinitive would only cost her a dime, since she felt justified in inserting the modifier “continuously”).

She strolled effortlessly, having solved the problem of walking years ago. At a young age, she identified the need (that she would like to walk) and the problem (that she did not know how.) Rather than continue to exist in her non-walking state, she expressed her conundrum to an ad-hoc committee consisting of her paternal father and maternal mother. After much deliberation and research using the best available literature (Dr. Spock’s Baby Book), the delivered a recommendation for a new process consisting of the alternating placement of feet (differentiated by proximal location to the torso, as attached by the legs) and oriented using a vector. The direction of the vector was initialized to be parallel to an imaginary line emitted from the eyes toward infinity. The velocity was originally set low, around 1KPH, to allow the process to be tested with little danger to the subject (Hood.) The summary of the final 92-page report was a succinct phrase; “put one foot in front of the other.”

Even though Hood was very satisfied by the results of the new method, she continued to observer her own effectiveness as a walker, and asked for impartial reviews from her Committee for Little-Girl Effectiveness Evaluation. The committee was known by the acronym “FRIENDS”, since no one in the group could spell. The repeated application of this cyclic process led to the marked improvements in her walking speed and ability, and eventually endowed her with the power to not only walk, but to actually change directions by turning. The details of the work, both by Hood and her two dedicated committees, are too lengthy for this narrative, but have been documented in the proceedings of the Journal of Little Girl Effectiveness (Hood, 2001 p345 – 751).

The process of continuous improvement came to be known as the Continuous Improvement Circle, which Hood impetuously called the “Continuous Improvement Cycle” or CIC (sic). Thinking on these things as she strode down the path, she swung her basket in tiny orbit and hummed “Windmills of Your Mind”.

External factors beyond the control of Hood or her associates interrupted this tranquil scene moments later, when a predatory investor from the firm of Williams, Ogilvy, Lawrence and Fowler noticed Hood, and took interest in her inventory (the GOODIES), which was clearly undervalued as evidenced in the PE ratio of the Grandma’s Old-Fashioned Olive Company, Inc (stock ticker abbreviation “GOO”.) This investor, also on a walk through the wood, was named Barney Igbad, though he usually used only his first initial and last name for identification. B. Igbad of WOLF though this a stroke of cleverness, since it helped him remember his login name. He approached Hood.

“Oh, excuse me, little girl” he began. Hood felt a slight thrill at the words. This was external validation that her efforts at being a little girl were not without success. Even a complete stranger immediately recognized her profession, without so much as a name tag.

“Thank you” she almost said, but caught herself before the words came out, and instead retrieved the appropriate response from her Guide to Little Girlness (GLG), the working document that chronicles her professional development. “I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to talk to strangers.” Was the reply B. Igbad of WOLF heard.

B. Igbad was not so easily dismissed. He had not become the undersecretary to the third vice-chairman of the investment recommendation branch of the takeovers department by being timid. He had become the undersecretary to the third vice-chairman of the investment recommendation branch of the takeovers department by nodding thoughtfully whenever his boss paused.

“I don’t mean you any harm” he lied. “I seem to have lost my way in these woods, and was only hoping that you could point the way out” he lied again.

Hood thought for a second. The request seem innocuous, and she was pretty sure there was something in her mission statement about “helping others”.

“Well, Ok, I guess I can help. But I only know one path in these woods. It goes from my Grandmothers’ factory to her test kitchen.”

“And which way are you going now?” B. Igbad asked.

“To the factory. I have a batch of new product from the test kitchen.:

“Oh?” B. Igbad of WOLF’s interest peaked. “May I have a peek?” he punned.

“Well…I guess that won’t do any harm” said Hod, and opened the top of her basket.

Editor’s note: This action was in clear violation of GLG policies on interactions with entities outside of the firm. Hood was later reprimanded, and she promised not to do it again. She was eventually returned to her duties with a 10% reduction in allowance.

B. Igbad’s eyes raked over the new labels like a nervous Zen gardener. “Interesting…and what’s that paper on the side?” He answered his own question by withdrawing the document, and he saw that it was the recipe, and the initial profit calculations for the new product. His mind reeled like a cheap Zebco with 10-lb line after hooking a cigarette boat. He was having a very good day; both for business and twisted smilies.

-Tom Jones